After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Randomize
