Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Randomize
