If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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