I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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