His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize