I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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