i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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