so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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