never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
