Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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