I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
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