your parents love me but you hate me
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Randomize
