Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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