It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
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