Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize