I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Text me some of your sweat
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
