Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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