Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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