Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
