You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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