I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Vodka?
Forever.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
