i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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