I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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