im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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