I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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