We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Congratulations! We have a period
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize