EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
he fucked my hip out of place.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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