Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
