I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
