why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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