why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
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