I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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