I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Randomize
