I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
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