Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
