Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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