I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
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