you win again, gameday.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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