I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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