just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
