census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
