my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Randomize
