Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
