Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize