I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Randomize
