i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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