i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
