my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
now i know why i became what i already was.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
