I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
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