You just made me feel so damn special
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
