I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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