walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
