No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Randomize
