Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Randomize
