I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Randomize
