i dedicated my morning wood to you.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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