her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
