here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
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